Hello everyone. Besides what I wrote in my previous thread, I have these issues with my PhD advisor. She is very bossy, demanding and hyper critical. She is a very difficult person to work with (I am not the only one) and is totally controlling of what I write or do. Recently she send me an e-mail saying "you have to do write about this" and "you have to write about that", in a very demanding tone. I don't always agree with her but she is very difficult to argue with. I get very anxious and nervous. Until know I reacted in a very passive way but I'm losing the control of the contents of my own thesis... If this continues like this, my thesis won't be really mine. She seems to be doubting me all the time, accusing me of not reading what she demands (which is not true) and demanding the next steps of my research. I'm starting to feel very low about it. I need help how to deal with this...

Hi, applepie,

You may not be compatible with your supervisor. Just how far along are you in this PhD? You may break down if you stay with this supervisor any longer. So, can you switch to a different project under a new supervisor? Might as well cut your losses now rather than later.

Hi there applepie,

Is there anyone you can talk to in the department? At my Uni there is an academic who is responsible for ensuring that all of the postgrads are ok/ an assigned person other than our supervisor that we can talk to. If there is anyone like that at yours I would talk to them.

Is it at all possible that this is just how she comes across over emails? Just playing doubles advocate here - I recently had a situation wherein I reacted emotionally to what seemed like quite a contrite email, when it turns out it was just how the person writes online. I'm not saying this is what your supervisor is doing though, especially if others have said the same thing.

Hello. Thank you for your kind responses. Inside the uni, there is no one I can talk to, specially because she is the most influent person inside my PhD. I do talk with my coleagues which are great and very comprehensive. I cannot change my supervisor, specially now that I am in my third year of research. Yes, she is particularly unpleasent in her e-mails, more than she is in person. So my scenario at the moment is: this is the person I have to work with. I do have, anyway, to find the tools to be assertive, to do not feel down with the negative and super critical feedback and specially to have a way to gain control of my own research topics (which is very difficult when someone is so demanding and incapable of negotiating)... I just would like to know if someone had the same issues and how dealt with them. Thank you!

Hi applepie (love your nick!)

A few things... is this the "only" problem that you have with your supervisor? In other words, is her feedback and advice generally good and is she helping you develop into a competent researcher BUT her tone and style are annoying at best and critical and undermining at worse? If so, then rather than trying to change supervisors at this stage (especially as you say that changing supervisors is not an option) then it seems to me that you have four options.

1 - DEMAND to change supervisors (not really practical if it is as you have described)
2 - Do nothing and just continue like this... not good at all, demoralizing etc
3 - Try to be more assertive yourself and put her right when she is wrong (e.g., politely and calmly but firmly: "no, I did read the paper, as I said before")
4 - Raise the issue with her directly - in an assertive but more direct way than the above (depending on the country/culture, there is nothing wrong with being direct - often people end up respecting you more for it)

If you are looking for tips on being assertive, I'd suggest having a google about how to be assertive with managers and colleagues (sometimes the best advice is not PhD-specific). It may be that your supervisor just will not behave differently and you have to live with this. But at least you would know that you tried to address it...

Sorry if this isn't very helpful and good luck!

applepie can you give us an explicit example of this "tone" you are talking about in her emails?
It might help us understand what you mean by her being negative, demanding and hyper critical.
I have a huge problem with anyone attempting to control me so it would be interesting to see an example.

Hey there! Thank you for your answers. I find this forum a great help and I feel better observing that the issues I am having are similar than other peoples too! I will continue to work with her and I actually have to learn how to be more assertive, in fact. Thank you for the suggestions Tudor_Queen. Even if she does help and she has some good suggestions and accurate observations (some are not), the tone is demanding like I said before: "You HAVE to write about this" instead of a suggestion or an open discussion (I do have? Or I could possibly think of do it ...or could we discuss it?). "Don't you forget that your thesis is about THIS" (I know what my thesis is about thank you. Since I've done all my research I know what is my thesis about. And it is supposed to be mine. My thesis is in construction and is dynamic and still being written....) "You have to stop doing this until the end of this month and start doing THAT!" (I know or I should know how to organize my time...) I actually work a lot for my thesis and I have a very creative vein that I feel like I am losing because of these demanding which I am incapable to argue with. (My thesis is on social sciences) I have a meeting today. Let's see what happens....

Hi Applepie
Based on your further explanation about what is happening, I think that if at all possible, I would just ignore it... within reason ignore what she says and do what you think. She'll soon get the message! Some of it does sound like it is just her way of speaking and perhaps could just be ignored (busy-ness can make people direct - you just have to take it with a pinch of salt). Other parts (the bossiness about your work and schedule) sound like you are more independent than she thinks/knows/wants (she is a micromanager most likely), and I think the best thing to do there is to just be assertive. There are some good tips on dealing with micro-managers online (I had a similar problem once!!!)
Good luck today!

I agree with Tudor Queen that bits just sound like someone who is quite blunt and they don't mean anything by it. I know from experience that its easy to become defensive when you don't like the way someone approaches you (I've been there).

I'd take time to think about what she is saying... I always read the email and close it immediately and then come back to it later (I find I've calmed down a bit then). Take the suggestions you agree with on board and for things you disagree with, explain why. "I know you told me to get on with Y before X, but I think it would be better X first because..." or "I've set aside Z time to work on Y".

With regards to you need to include this and that "Thank you very much for your suggestions, I'll be sure to include some paragraphs on this, however I'm not entirely sure how that fits into my thesis. I wonder if you could explain your thinking a bit more."

Essentially she'll feel better and more confident in what you're doing if she thinks you're considering the advice and have genuine reasons for doing things different (think of it as practice for being questioned in your viva if that helps) rather than just dismissing it.

It sounds like she is concerned about you meeting deadlines and including all the expected elements in the thesis - that's her job to ensure you are kept on track to complete in a timely fashion. You on the other hand see this as interference in your creative endeavors and feel you don't need this input. You can do what the others suggest and push back, assuming you know best BUT I've seen this go horribly wrong for students in their viva, when the major revisions ended up being what the supervisor had suggested including all along. Particularly, if the advice is around showing awareness of a particular strand of literature or justifying your theoretical and methodological choices more thoroughly, I'd take it on board as they tend to be the things that when left out lead to a year's corrections for social scientists.

Absolutely agree with chantedsnicker and bewildered here. Need to exercise caution and be sure not to reject substantive advice. But also you need to be happy that you have autonomy. Getting the balance right can be tricky!

I tend to have this problem in communication. I tend to be direct and I like people being direct with me, since I can't really read between the lines - usually I'd ask the supervisor or the colleague for it early on. It's a trait that is often present in academia. Some people I know tended to get offended, because they interpreted it as orders - since then I've learned to tone down with them, usually mellowed voice tone helps.
It might be that she is a very energetic person that does not want to lose time when she feels you drift off (or she herself drifts off). After all, if a thing needs to be done, it needs to be done, and it's hard to hold yourself back and let the student figure out the answer when you already know it. I also feel this might be a generational issue. You might talk about it gently with her, and assert yourself. I know that I'd be quite confused and probably ashamed if this popped out during my talk with a student. This type of people loves to do lists and presentations, so if you show them, and show that you are on time, things become clear and she feels she might be more hands off.